dream come true

I heard, if you had a traumatic childhood, your goals arent big and lofty, just a stable household, a roof, food in the fridge.

So I guess it's not wild that I feel very complete and satisfied with my life at it's very moment. My dream has always been just to have a loving family, a band of humans that hang out and do life together. I get to cook recipes that I am curious about. I shop for groceries, I run errands. I get to pick up my son everyday, watch him grow, share thoughts with each other. My husband is fully supportive of me, urges me to do things, all the things, any of the things. We live in a humble home in a nice neighborhood, where crime is uncommon and the mountains are my backdrop. 

In this society of chasing dreams, goals, titles, I'm content where I'm at, where I've been, the human I am becoming. It feels wrong in a way, I should want more, chase more, strive for more, but life is beautiful the way it is. 

auntie anita

Every few minutes, she forgets the answer and asks the same question. This goes on for a few hours, a dozen iterations of the same question, and I answer as if it was her first time asking. 

Her observations are curious and joyous, her reactions are gleeful and adorable. She chuckles with delight. 

Her husband, stoic but doting, he answers her questions with patience and cares for her through action. It's so sweet to witness and admire, aging love, devotion. 

I can't help but cry from the overwhelm, this part all comes for us, and we have no say in when, how, quick, or a slow fade. 

Dementia really unveils the character within, the human you cultivated for decades. The mask no longer has wherewithall to stay on and your trueself is on display.

Anita is Justin's mom and has been staying with us for a week. Enjoying their free time.

meet the teacher, 1st grade

I find myself lingering on pictures of you when you were a baby, a toddler, hell even a year ago, every memory that comes, I stare and my head swells. 

My God, the memories fill me with love knowing I had time then and now to relish in your existence. What a wave of love you given me. And to be loved in return.

In a world that's always asking to extract every ounce of you, asking you to prove your worthiness in output, I'm taken in and appreciated for being your mom by you. 

May I mirror your love to me. May you mirror my love for you. 

Time, it slowly ticks away, and you are a testament to its presence. You are transforming every day, more and more the world exposes you to it's wonder, pain and joy. I know my time with you is borrowed, it's not forever, it's not guaranteed, it's not mine to grasp onto. But know that each moment we are together, know I am so grateful.

Today we met your teacher of first grade. Im decided just now I'm making biscuits when we wake up. What a joy it is to be your mom and witness you.

Summer of 26'

This summer break was well spent. A road trip to and thru California, Pokemon dance camp, a trip to Amsterdam and Ghent, a weekend at bear lake and two weeks of tennis/swim camp. 

We had so much fun, and waved fresh oxygen into our relationships. It felt so meaningful and joyous. 

The lightness of the last few months, the routine of fun and rest. Grouchiness is purely the act of feeling safe with your tribe. I am so grateful. So so so grateful.

another visit before I turn 40

I came to Houston so emotionally constipated, not sure of what to expect. 

There's the usual laundry list of things they need help with, this time it was to sell my dad's car he bought brand new off the lot last year. We lost a lot of money but it was nice to get it off our conscious.

I took it upon myself to buy my mom some things I thought could be useful, an automatic jump and an infrared light for her eyes. She scolded me, telling me to stop buying so many things. Her goal was to live simply. I returned all the items. She was manually flushing her toilets with buckets, I'm not sure if this is what she's used to, what she grew doing, what she has to do in Vietnam, or it's her mentality of living in poverty for so long, it's impossible to shift her sense of worthiness. 

It brings up a multitude of emotions within, guilt, shame, anger, sadness, and it feels so intense to carry it all at once yet the emotions are inescapable when I'm staying with them. 

There was a sense of shame and sadness in my dad, hes cognizant of his declining health while I was there- he refused to get out of the house one of the days and almost didn't want to go to the beach on my last day there. I forced him and I hope there's an ounce of gratefulness he could see the water again. That's all I can hope for because he couldn't express any emotion to me otherwise. 

Time feels so thin and fragile when I'm there, I extend my affections and can see how uncomfortable they are to receive them. A hug is met with a stiff body, an arm hold feels foreign. Its taken my years to accept physical forms of affection because it wasn't given to me as a child. I distinctly remember my first hug, middle school, a kid named Alvin hugged me. I can only remember one hug my dad ever gave me out of affection, when he dropped me off for pre school, and even then, I believe it was because teachers were watching me cry. 

But I show up, I realize I can only be in this space for so long before these feelings consume me, the scolding, the coldness. And I know it's not because they don't love me, its all they know. So I show up.

My mom said in the beginning of this trip, you're not here for fun, you're here for business. And that my friends, is my mom. 

picking him up from school

I'm always 5 minutes early.

Right as he comes out the door, there I am. If the weather is nice, we're most likely waking home. I have a bag in my hand, with his hat, a juice box, a bag or two of chips and a handful of candy. Sometimes he requests we walk home on rainy days, in that case, I'll bring an umbrella and his boots.

We talk about his day, what he ate for lunch while he snacks on his buffet I brought. We talk about the weather, if it's unseasonably hot or not. We listen to the birds, the planes and the shuffling of our feet. "Almost home!", he says.

My parents were too busy to pick me up, I would always walk home from school, come home to an empty house, eat my way through the pantry, whatever I could find, whatever I bought myself when I went grocery shopping with my dad. Kid cuisines, lunchables, slices of cheese, crackers.

One day, the sun was so intense, I was only three houses away from my house, I decided to run. I tripped and fell, blood running down my arm, my elbow had a bad scrape. Limped home in tears to an empty house, and cleaned my wounds, the best a 7 year old could do. That scar remains on my elbow.

Some days, id forget my garage opener (the only way to access my house) and I'd wait outside in the backyard until my mom came home, after the sun set, I'd wait. Before cell phones, before keyless entry, I'd just wait outside.

Once I came home from a carpool, Tracy chapman playing on the radio. I jumped out of the van and as I opened the garage door, a bunch of guys ran out of my house like cockroaches scattering when the lights turned on. 

So yeah, now, I'm never late picking up my son, always a little early, making sure he knows I'm always there with a snack and a meal when he comes home.

freida

Leave your imperfections alone. 

Brain dump

My word this year is "connection"

I'm not entirely sure how I want to manifest this but there is an openness I am ready to receive - new opportunities, new experiences, new people. So much so, I feel a desperation for connection to anything or anyone, and I'm overthinking my way through the day. 

Stop that Van. Stop that right now.

Just let it be, allow it to flow to you and respond accordingly.

I find myself questioning what am I doing with my time? Is it spent wisely, am I wasting away? Are these thoughts productive or self sabotaging? I don't trust my thoughts fully, but also maybe they're clues into my next chapter. Is my ego trying to make me feel validated by a job or is this the beginning of a nudge into the next chapter? This will be a lesson in tuning into my intuition. I hope a sign will reveal itself to what I can do next.

Anyways, amidst all of this, America is going through it's own thing. Feeling hopeful and optimistic seems delusional but I have a lot of pisces placements so I persist. 

making friends

Opening up - myself, my home, my family. We made a good effort, but then you realize they can't meet you where you are.

They are on their journey, just as you are yours. But it's not your job to save or help or guide, especially if it's never been asked for...but I find myself pouring and exhausting myself. It's a boundary I am still struggling with, I give my empathy out freely, and it's not seen, reciprocated or valued. 

A reminder that not everyone will align with you. A lesson learned, an attempt made. It means my heart is open, and I'm ready to be vulnerable and feel rejection. 

snowboarding

Okay I'm in it, I'm learning at the ripe age of 39. I've got the gear, I've got the teacher, the pass, I rented the board, boots, binding, I've got the support, the universe has chauffeured my experience up to this point... And my job is lock in and go thru it. 

I'm sitting in the Park City rest area, it's my third time snowboarding. Apparently it unlocks at your 9-10th time. 

I'm in it, the growing pains, the falling, getting stuck, fumbling with all the gear, strapping in and out, and in and out and in again and my legs giving out at the end of the day.

But this is an opportunity that was spoon fed to me, the opportunity to live here, learn the sport and try as many times as I can muster up the motivation to fumble, fall and fuck up to learn this sport. It's hard, but I feel very lucky to try. 

Christmas card

One year in Utah under our belts. Life this year was rich with experiences, travel and family&friends. 

Zephen has graduated out of nature school and is now plugged into the American education system as a kindergartener. His favorite things are Pokemon, building Legos and all things outdoors (bugs, amphibians, fish and hikes). He's kind, curious and silly, to know him is to love him.

The year of the snake was in its true form for Van, shed some layers, and in return, is a bit wiser, a bit balder (iykyk) and discovering inner peace along the way.  Her hobbies include cooking soups, popping into estate sales and diving deep into your astrology chart 🤪. She is most thankful for her mom, who leads her life with compassion and patience. 

Joe is in his mountain man era, staying busy baking bread, cooking with the wok, hiking and holding steady as the foundation to our family. He's already planned our travel schedule for Q1 and Q2, never a dull moment with him and we are here for it 

We have loved sharing our home and lives with our visitors, so so grateful for everyone who has popped in or met us up in our travels. We look forward to 2026, honing our values and fully appreciating the life we are cultivating for ourselves. Sending you so much peace and light for 2026, come visit us soon and let's go on a hike. 

2025 wrapped

Most meaningful conversations: First, with my dad's social worker, discussing the broken system in which America has built for the elderly, which felt very defeating yet validating. The next, with my friend Brittany, reminding me that I'm the same person she met when we were 12, that conversation felt very assuring.

Gifts received: every hug Zephen asks from me, his hugs are just getting better. A personal sauna.

Showing up for myself: my routines, consistencies, my quiet moments, picking up a workout plan.

Unexpected surprises: moonrise on the beach in Con Dao, Vietnam- it felt very surreal to be there, only a generation past, the waters were filled with tragedy, and now I'm living the dream... vacationing there with my family. Next is having close friends Richard and Ella, ask me to be a godmother to their son, Nicolas (I happily accepted). 

Lessons: Inner peace is my top priority. 

Energy boosters: routine, diet, estate sales, someone intently listening to understand you. 

Best advice: Meditate. Move. Get some rest. 

Unexpected support: My mom. And following suit, my uncles (my mom's two oldest brothers) and aunt coming over to help my mom when she became my dad's caretaker (in days we fixed the roof, donated 5 car loads of stuff, fixed the kitchen sink, fixed his toilet, fixed the bathroom sink, put up a new fence, cleared the overgrown  backyard, new washer dryer, fixed valve for hot water to washing machine, repaired the refrigerator, sold his car) Justin driving down from Seattle when I had COVID. 

Top meals: Bun rieu in a Saigon alleyway with my cousin Kim. Pomelo Vietnamese Salad in Con Dao, Vietnam.  Phan Ky in Alief, TX with Sharon. Tofu soup and ice cream boba in Houston on a solo trip. Turkey ramen by my cousin Jonathan.

Songs of 2025: Hopeless Wanderer - Emahoy Tsegué-Maryam Guèbrou

Album of 2025: West End Girl- Lily Allen

Movie: The Wild Robot, Train Dreams (worse movie was the smurf movie, awful).

Accomplishments: Selling our first home. Trying snowboarding for the first time. My sense of overall gratitude, I see it as a muscle and a garden-- I actively work on it, clean up and check in.

Themes: Grief, Routine, being Lonely vs Alone. 

Cooking accomplishments: Soups (Pho, Bun Rieu, BBH, egg drop) Discovering cook books, lemon cake.

Lowest moments: dad going to the hospital and in need of a caretaker and refusing all my help, my 39th birthday. (I will mentioned my lowest moments were a catalyst for necessary changes)

sundays

Hearing constant laughter from the basement is a dream come true.

Is it silly to just be content with this? This is all I've ever wanted. 

fall in Houston

Falling into Houston.

Government shutdown delays,

Stomach bug, aches, cramps and grumpiness

Im not efficient, I forget things

My nervous system is revving up.

Compounding comments to interpret.

My response is, feels, callous 

My nervous system is active 

A morning rush only to get denyed for the errand you dragged everyone to.

Attempting to salvage the day with memories 

Then life finds it's way to shit all over your day, literally.

So much comes up, frustration, sadness.

My nervous system is at code red.

I'm in survival mode and I'm aware but my frustration turns to a seeping anger and my sadness looks like disgust.

Emotions come in waves, and I'm trying my best not to drown. 

Life isn't bad, it's not, it's not, it's not.

Today is done, and I can't bother to coordinate another to-do as nothing can be done anyway. 

Turn the page.

God mother

"Jesus Christ was a cool guy" ... Is something a person who took an edible right before their close friends asked them to be their son's godmother would say. I thought the night was wrapping up after the mango sticky rice, annnnd...it was not 😅

Words fumbled out of my mouth and I could not properly articulate what I was feeling. To be chosen as Nico's godmother is something I take so seriously, I'm taken aback by the words y'all used to articulate why.. me, I fight between not believing y'all to feeling deeply moved and validated. 

I think of you guys with such reverance, and the closeness we share are things I cherish and love. Authenticity, honesty and kindness are values I hold myself and my loved ones accountable to and y'all are a mirror to what I've been working towards in my adult life. Know that, I will fiercely love and watch over him, guide him with the values we share. I will try my best to cultivate his being and teach him to love all parts of himself, gaining his trust and love with every encounter I have with him. What a gift he is. I'm really proud of y'all and what y'all are building.

Thanks for holding space for my awkwardness last night, I'm 0/2 on edibles this week. I swear my brain works. Thanks for dinner and treating me to all the goodies this week, it was an absolute joy to meet Nico and bluebs. Love y'all 😭